Hammers: The destroyer of Self Esteem
How Thoughts Impact Self-Esteem
Most of the time, we’re not thinking about what we are thinking about. Which can be especially damaging when it comes to self-esteem. How we think about ourselves has perhaps the biggest impact on our overall sense of self (aka self esteem). Self esteem in turn, impacts how we relate to others, the opportunities we see and the risks we take. Basically, every aspect of our lives.
Challenge:
Pay attention to (or even better, write down) the thoughts you have about yourself for one day. Take a look at them - what’s the overall feeling or theme? Are you your biggest cheerleader or your worst enemy? Do you show grace toward yourself during times of struggle or are you full of harsh criticisms?
Too often, we are thinking the most awful and cruel things about ourselves - things we would never dream of saying aloud about another human. Every time you talk badly about yourself, it’s as if you are taking out a hammer and beating yourself over the head. Over time, this has devastating effects on your self-esteem.
It goes like this:
What we think about, we think about more.
What we think about, more becomes a belief system and once we’ve got a belief system, we continue to see the things that support that belief system.
Think about it this way…. if I’m subtly (or overtly) calling myself incapable or stupid, over time that’s what I’m going to believe.
Also… would you talk to your daughter or son repeatedly the way you talk to yourself? The rules aren’t different for you.
Why talk bad about ourselves in the first place?
While negative self talk (aka ‘hammers’) have different roots for different people, here are a few things to think about for yourself:
Are you perpetuating a harsh inner voice that was instilled sometime earlier in your life? Perhaps the voice of an overly critical parent while growing up continues inside your mind asking, “Are you sure you want to eat that?” or “Why can’t you just figure it out?” or “What’s wrong with you?”
Do you believe that your hammers are helping to motivate you? I love this quote by Lori Deschene, “We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” You are motivated toward growth, achievement and being a good person because that is part of your value system. Hammers do not help you maintain a healthy eating style, exercise routine or get more done. Hammers don’t assist with this, they just get in the way. They are wasted energy. Period.
Have your thoughts become a habit? As animals, we are creatures of habit and we operate more efficiently as a result of these habits. Sometimes. Re-read #2 above about hammers being ‘wasted energy.’
Suggestions for how to put the hammer away:
Write down the common hammers you use. For example, “I’m stupid” or “I’m fat” or “I don’t deserve ______.” This will help you be able to recognize in-the-moment when you’re using that hammer to beat yourself up. As I’ve said before, in order to change anything, we need to recognize what we’re doing in-the-moment.
Enlist a trusted friend. Tell this person about your hammers and that you’re working to recognize and throw them out. This should be a person who knows you well and who you trust. Ask them to gently point out when you’ve used a hammer. This will help increase your in-the-moment recognition.
Create a positive regard list. Write down 3-5 things every day that are awesome about you. Things you did that day, things that you are proud of, or characteristics about you. Warning: put the hammer away with regard to this list! We tend to devalue ourselves and our daily accomplishments. These five things don’t need to be Earth shattering. Pay attention to all of the amazing things you do in a day. For example, here’s my list for the day so far: helped a friend pick apples, took my dog for a walk and gave her extra time to sniff out squirrels, wrote a blog post, and started a load of laundry.
Respond with the compassion you’d show a friend. With practice, you will begin to recognize when you’re taking out the hammer. The antidote for a hammer is self-compassion, which let me say, is super difficult to do at the beginning! My best suggestion is to respond as if you were talking to someone you care about. For instance, let say you overhear a friend say, “Ugh, why can’t you just focus and get this done?” You may say to her, “Hey lady, cut yourself some slack. You’ve got a lot on your plate and honestly you’re rocking it. Sometimes, good enough is good enough.”
Don’t use a hammer on a hammer. You will begin to recognize how often you use hammers long before you are able to put them away. This is a difficulty place to be because you can see that how you are treating yourself is harmful, but you haven’t developed the skills yet to change your thoughts. It is counterproductive to take out another hammer in order to “help you get rid” of the initial hammer. For example, “Ugh, I’m such an idiot, why can’t I just be nicer to myself?”
Something to be aware of when we’re talking about self-esteem…
As you continue recognizing and putting away your hammers, they will get “sneakier.” For example, “well, why’d you do it like that?” or “what were you thinking?” Also be aware of “should” statements: “I should be able to do this” or “this shouldn’t take me so long.” Almost always, these are just a sneaky hammer. For me, these sneaky hammers are heard inside my mind with a certain tone. Yeah, you know the tone… judging and condescending. While trickier to identify, these hammers are not invincible. Keep recognizing them and responding with the same compassion you would show someone you care about.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. This includes how you treat yourself.
