Reduce Anxiety by Embracing Mediocracy
As a highly capable individual who is quick to achieve, you’ve been inundated from a young age with messages about your potential and excelling to peak performance. Of course, encouragement in and of itself isn’t a bad thing! Or is it…?
Problems arise when this desire to be the best in ALL areas of your life
Career, parenting, health, friend, nutrition... The list goes on and on. You have a limited amount of time and energy - you will inevitably feel like you’re failing in all of these life areas when the belief is that in order to be “successful” you much be perfect in each of these areas. Cue overwhelm, anxiety and excessive negative self talk (what I call “hammers”).
Because of the sometimes subtle nature of these messages from social media, family and friends, they often go unnoticed and yet influence us a great deal. These are a few of my experiences:
When I was much younger, I was practicing Taekwondo competitively. This required that free time be spent in practice, nutrition was to be carefully calculated and weekends were spent traveling to competitions. With aspirations of qualifying for the 2000 Sydney Olympics, I quit. I was in college and was in a relationship. Even though I knew, I was unwilling to sacrifice these other areas of my life, I remember feeling like a failure and told myself that I wasn’t dedicated enough stick with Taekwondo (hammer).
Since opening my private practice, several people have asked when I will hire additional therapists and start a group practice. This is the path for a lot of counselor/business owners and a quite logical next step. A step that brings with it more responsibility and less control. I have told myself that I haven’t pursued a group practice because I’m scared and I’m not savvy enough to be an employer (hammer).
Another personal instance occurred while at a meditation retreat. The instructor frequently described living a life consumed with meditation and self reflection. I could see myself taking out the hammer with thoughts such as, “I am a crappy and un-insightful human being.” Sitting in reflection over this instance is actually what spurred this blog post.
The end result? Feeling like a failure.
The end result of the examples above, are feelings of failure. We take out that proverbial hammer and start beating the crap out of ourselves. It’s as if there’s another voice that chimes in and speaks in “shoulds” and “failure” and being “good enough.” I’m beginning to realize that to live a life rooted firmly in balance, means that in someone else’s view, I will always be mediocre. Good thing it is none of my business what anyone else thinks about me. Say it with me: “It is none of my business what anyone thinks about me.”
Many of the client’s I serve, often unknowingly, struggle with balanced living: thriving career vs. raising a family… social time vs. personal time. They’ve spent years doing what they “should” do and, on paper, they are knocking it out of the park. But, inside, they feel like they are failing left and right. They feel unnerved, unsettled, and exhausted. Even more so, they feel guilty for wanting to create balance and are worried who they will let down in the process.
Balance is a work in progress.
Literally think about a person walking a tightrope. She doesn’t stop the act of “balancing,” but instead is constantly adjusting and readjusting. This too is how balance works in our lives - a near constant adjustment of energy allocation.
If you find yourself in this space - feeling like a failure & craving balance - begin by identifying the areas in your life that you give the most energy to. Are these areas in line with your values, is this where you want to be spending your energy? What areas of your life seem to be put on the back burner?
As for me? I’m not saying that I won’t open a group psychotherapy practice one day or that I won’t end up leading a life dominated by non-striving, introspection and meditation. For right now, my inner voice continues to quietly cry out, “balance… balance… balance” so I will do my best to be mindful of that.
