5 Things You Need Know about Boundaries
As humans, we learn boundaries. Unfortunately, even in the healthiest families we don’t sit around the dinner table literally talking about boundaries. Without intentional teaching and modeling, few people have a strong understand of what a boundary is, why they are important and how to maintain them.
This won’t be a comprehensive guide to boundaries (look for that soon!), but more of a quick intro touching on the five most important aspects about boundaries.
1. If you set a boundary you must follow through.
When you set a boundary it’s human nature for the other person to come up over the top. People come over the top with questions, anger, tears, or silence. It ends up looking like this: one person sets a boundary, the other person comes up over top and then the boundary-setter backs down from their boundary. Unfortunately, all this does is teach people that your boundaries don’t matter. So, if you’re going to set a boundary you have to be able and willing to follow through with whatever the consequence is.
2. When setting a boundary, less is more.
In an attempt to get the other person to agree with our boundary (so they don’t come up over top), we tend to give all of the reasons why the boundary is a good idea. This is completely understandable in the sense that it feels better to set a boundary when the other person says, “Oh yeah, that totally makes sense.” But, one problem with over explaining your boundary the actual boundary gets lost. Remember ‘no’ is a complete sentence.
3. You can only set boundaries on things that are in your control.
As a reminder, you only have control over your thoughts, your feelings and your actions - in the present moment. It isn’t a boundary for me to say, “You can’t talk to me like that” because I don’t have control over how someone talks to me. Instead, a boundary might be, “If you yell at me again, I will leave” or “if you call me before 8am, I’ll let it go to voicemail and get back to you during my normal working hours.”
See the difference? I don’t have control over what someone says to me or if someone calls me. I do have control over what I do in response to someone’s actions. This is the fundamental difference between an ultimatum and a boundary. With an ultimatum, I’m trying to control someone else’s behavior. With a boundary I am radically accepting that other people are outside of my control, and I am choosing to focus on what is in my control.
4. There are three main purposes of boundaries.
First, your boundaries protect you from other people. They define what is okay and not okay within different relationships. For example, You may have a boundary that says you don’t continue being friends with someone who belittles or makes fun of you. So, if you come across someone who is condescending towards you, your boundary protects you because it allows you to not be around that person.
Second, your boundaries protect other people from you. For example, maybe you have a boundary that says you don’t hit people. That boundary is then working to protect other people from you hitting them.
And finally, boundaries give us a sense of who we are separate from others. Which ties in with the final thing you need to know about boundaries…
5. Boundaries and self-esteem are intimately connected.
As I said above, one purpose of boundaries is to give us a sense of who we are separate from other people. This is essential for building healthy self esteem. I have to be able to recognize that my thoughts, behaviors and emotions are distinct from others. On the flip-side, healthy self esteem helps me set boundaries because I am more aware and confident of myself.
This may seem like a catch-22, but it’s actually a good thing! Because self esteem and boundaries are so connected, if you take baby steps toward improving your boundary system, you will also be taking steps towards improving your self esteem. And likewise, if you take steps towards improving your self esteem, you will find it easier to uphold personal boundaries.
